Small audiences and large dreams

Last night, July 11, I played a concert at the First Unitarian Universalist Church of San Francisco.  It was a different kind of experience because the audience was so small - five people, only.  It turns out that doing no publicity tends to result in no attendance!  Who knew?!  It was interesting to play for such a small crowd because the concert experience becomes much more intimate.  Instead of lecturing on the music from the notes I've taken, which are very general in nature, I thought I'd talk a bit more about how each piece of music relates to the other, and how they all harken back to Bach.

The audience was nice, and they gave some nice comments after the fact.  Still, though, I prefer performing to a larger house, like the one that I had in Atlanta and will hopefully play for tonight at the SF LGBT Community Center.

In a somewhat unrelated topic, I'm happy to report that I've received a post-doc fellowship to be "redeemed" within three years (need to finish this doctorate straight away, then)!  This has caused me to start looking at my future a bit more closely.  Would I like to live on the West Coast? (Yes!!  Please!!)  Do I prefer cities in Northern California (like San Francisco), SoCal (LA), or the Pacific Northwest (Seattle, Portland, et al)?  What do I really want to DO with my life?  I was pretty sure that I had it all figured out until recently: teach at a college/university, perform in a string quartet and do some recital work, and probably teach privately on the side. It all seems fine and dandy, and would make my life utterly complete, but is it reasonable in this country, culture, and economy?  Despite my big dreams, I still have bills and lots of student loans to pay!  Also...eat.  Dreams are wonderful, but I don't know if I'm the type of person who is willing to just take a leap and see where I end up.  I'm also only now becoming more entrepreneurial.  I have a long way to go!  My heart is palpitating just thinking about it!

I received a comment at one of my recent concerts about how the "new" music that I'm performing makes some members of the audience uncomfortable. To paraphrase, "It makes me squeeze my hands in to fists," he said.  Since I have always thought that my career was going in a 60/40 new music/traditional music direction, that comment caused me to rethink a bit the path that my career was taking.  When the audience doesn't like what you're performing, is that reason enough to change?  Or does one just have to go further to really sell the music to the audience.  Is personally enjoying what I'm playing enough to get by?  Or does my enjoyment need to REALLY shine through and be passed on to those listening?  I guess I had always hoped that the music would speak for itself and that audience enjoyment would come just from listening.

My friend, the fantastic cellist, Jennifer Bewerse, is so wonderful at connecting with her audience and expressing every emotion in the music, no matter how new, obscure, or - frankly - terrible.  I'm envious of her ability to do so; perhaps that's what I'm missing.  Maybe tonight, I'll try to lift that invisible iron curtain a little more and really pass on my passion for this music to those listening.  After all, this is a San Francisco audience - listening to music by gay composers at that! - and I think they will really be drawn in to what they hear!  This is something to ponder...

In the name of Bach,
JD